[Luke]

This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one is already occupied. So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops his tweeds and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him;

"G'day mate, how ya going?"

Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies;

"Yeh, not too bad thanks"

After a short pause, he hears the voice again;

"So, what are you up to mate?"

Again answering reluctantly, but unsure what to say, replies;

"Umm, just having a quick poo mate. How about yourself?"

He then hears the voice for the 3rd time.....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some dickhead next to me answering all my questions"





A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100." "That's
right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."





Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing "It's the only type of cooking a'real' man will do". When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.