[Luke]

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.
Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"





Tom is driving over the Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Tom slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza, what the hell d'ya think ya doin?".
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Tom. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill me-self."
Tom gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza," he says, "Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root, but you're a real sport too", and drives off.




A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ -- depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features;
If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.